Here I am ...

 Here I am
Sitting on a wall looking out
Over my Life
Past, Present and an uncertain Future ...
Wondering why
Why did you give me a passion for the outdoors, for nature and animals?
Since I was a little girl, I wanted to rescue animals and give them a sanctuary... you gave me that desire
Why did you give me a passion for running and fitness?
Why the desire for adventure... to travel the world you created?
Why did you give me a love of light and composition and capturing all of that in an image?
A love and desire to capture the rare but most precious moments between couples, families and children ... strangers?
None of it is useful
None of it will help me make a living, to make money
Something absolutely important ...
 the most important thing to my husband
Why couldn't you have made me smarter?
Why couldn't you have made me better with numbers and organization and financially competent?
Why couldn't you have made me more of a people-person?
An extrovert instead of an introvert?
Outgoing and bold and all the other qualities that make a great leader?
Why couldn't you have given me talent and skills?
Instead ...
I'm a dreamer with no way to turn my dreams into reality
At the very least you could've made me content with some normal
job, something unimportant but pays the bills
No dreams, no ambitions, no desires
Just like my mom ...
She was content to be a bookkeeper and nothing more
No dreams, no ambitions, no future plans
No desires to see the world
And then ....
You gave me a special little boy... too special
A boy too special for most of the world to understand 
A boy in need of protection
But this life gives me no room for anything else
No room for even an average nobody job
Who would hire someone who only has 3-4 hours to work?
And then has to take 10+ weeks off out of the year?
Nobody would

For so many months I've been searching and digging
and praying
Wanting so badly to know where I can fit in
Supposedly you give us passions, desires and drives
They're meant to help us where you want us
And yet ....
None of mine do
Instead, they only hinder me and lead to unhappiness
Wherever I've worked and have tried to work
I want so badly to believe that I'm meant for more
The reality of it is ...
I'm not

There is only one comfort I have in a of this
Knowing that no matter what
You love me
In this world I'm a failure
A nobody at the mercy of a cruel, selfish world
But you love me nonetheless
Even with all my imperfections
You Want me and Accept me as I am
All of my weaknesses and shortcomings
Overshadowed by Your Power and Glory
I am nothing without you